The Sun Still Rises

Life just threw me a pretty major curve ball.  One I hadn’t really accounted for.  My husband decided he can’t do this anymore, and ended our marriage.  Just like that.  He decided this is what he wanted, there was no discussion.  Talk about a twist in my path!  I’m still struggling with all of the emotions that come with this…sadness, confusion, anger…and it’s tough.  I’m not going to pretend, either for my sake or for yours, that it’s not.  I didn’t get married, just two years ago, thinking that we would come to an end.  Certainly not like this, and certainly not after only two years.  But here we are.

It happened on a Saturday earlier this month.  I felt confused and lost and sad on Saturday night.  Sunday was a bit of a blur, but I had a lot of work to do, so I focused on that.

But as it always does, Monday morning came, and the real world was staring me in the face.  As I was driving to my morning yoga class, I looked to my left, as I always do at this time of year, to marvel at the colors of the sky as the sun makes its way over the horizon.  And suddenly, this surreal Monday, I had this thought: the sun still rises.

Yes, I’m going through some stuff, and it’s hard.  And yes, my personal world has been tipped on its end.  And whatever plan I thought I had has changed.  But the sun still rises.  Things will always get better.

I have no doubt that I will be just fine…more than fine, actually!  I will get through this and continue my journey.  I have no doubt that there will be times during this period where I will wonder how to do that, how to keep going on my journey, how to be confident that I’m on my rightest path.  But, I also know that every single morning, I can look out and see the sun.  The world keeps turning, life keeps moving, and I keep working on me.

This is part of my journey now, it’s becoming part of who I am (a divorcee…seriously?), and I am going to have to learn to own it, to own me.  This is the next chapter in my life.  I think I’ll title it The Sun Still Rises.  And I’m going to own it!  I’ve got a whole new journey ahead of me, one I had never considered, and one I can turn into anything I want.  I’m going to embrace it!

My message to anyone who is struggling, who is going through some tough times, who feels a little overwhelmed or lost is simple:  Please know that whatever life hands you, you CAN handle it.  You are strong enough, you are smart enough, you are capable enough.  You can take any punches that life throws at you and you can keep on moving forward.  You are allowed to have sad days, you are allowed to have angry days, you are allowed to have whatever it is that you need, just know that you will come out of whatever your situation is as a stronger person who has amazing things to experience.

Your path won’t always be what you expect, your journey won’t always take you where you thought you wanted to go.  That’s ok.  Embrace the change.  Love the journey.  Live your life.  Own Your You.

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Cut Them Loose!

You know how there are those people who drain you, who bring out the worst in you?  Cut them loose!  Your life is too precious to waste on people who neither appreciate you nor reciprocate your friendship/love/commitment.

Every now and then we are lucky enough to meet people who bring out the very best in us, who make us want to be more, be better.

I’ve been lucky enough to meet two amazing women who are so beautiful, supportive, encouraging, creative, and all-around amazing, that every time we get together, I leave with my mind racing about all of the possibilities of the new endeavors and projects we have come up with.  Together we set new goals and build new dreams and we inspire each other to be ourselves reach for our dreams – both our individual dreams and our collaborative dreams.  They’re by my side, always, reaching. supporting. encouraging.  These are the best kind of friends to have.  They’re rare, you can’t always identify them at first, but once you realize you have found one – treasure her (or him)!

So this post is a shout out to my amazing friends (thanks, for being awesome!), but even more importantly, it’s a request that each of you take an honest look at your closest friends, your confidants, the people you spend the most time with – and really think about who makes up this group.  Go ahead, take a minute and think about it.  I’ll wait.

My experience tells me that you probably have a couple of honest to goodness true friends who love and support you no matter what.  (Good! Treasure them!  Tell them you love them today!)  My experience also tells me that you probably have some people who do not – they are probably DrainersThwarters, or Obligators.  Sometimes these people can be hard to identify, and if you don’t look too closely, you may never identify them.  Here are some tips on identifying these people, and what to do about them.

Drainers are the people who leave you feeling exhausted after you talk to or spend time with them.  It’s likely that they monopolize all of your time together by talking about themselves – their problems, their achievements, etc.  It could be that you and the Drainer grew up together and have been friends for years and you may feel obligated to continue this friendship.  If you have to try to psych yourself up to get together with one of these people, or you have to force yourself to smile and nod at their stories, or if you leave an encounter with one of these people and just want some quiet time by yourself – congratulations.  You have identified a Drainer.   A Drainer might disguise themselves by asking you questions about yourself.  This is a trick.  As soon as you answer, the Drainer will turn the conversation back to themselves, often cutting you off in the process.

The Drainer is generally either someone you have known for a very long time, or someone you just met who has a bright, dynamic personality.  If the Drainer is the former, someone you have known for a very long time, you probably feel obligated to continue the friendship.  Let me tell you this – you are NOT obligated to continue this pseudo-friendship.    If the Drainer is the latter, you likely just got swept up in all the excitement that is their life – or so they tell you.  They are friendly and easy to talk to (i.e. they will talk to anyone about themselves – endlessly) and it’s easy to think that you are forming a friendship.  But if you were to do nothing but nod and smile during a conversation with them, would they even notice?  Probably not.  They are draining you!

The easiest way to cut a Drainer loose is to stop feeding into their need to talk about themselves.  Don’t encourage the conversations.  Eventually their need to talk about themselves will overtake them and they’ll seek out someone else who will listen.

Thwarters are people who do want to hear about you and your life and your accomplishments…so that they can then tell you a better story, or give you a better suggestion.  Also known as “one uppers,” Thwarters generally have a better story than the one you just told.  Oh, your significant other surprised you with a weekend getaway? Well that’s so great, but the Thwarter’s significant other surprised them with a week long cruise!! Isn’t that amazing?  But more than one upping you, the reason I call these people Thwarters, is because you tell them about this great event that you are really excited about, and if they can’t “beat” the story, they have to tell you why it’s not actually that great.  Oh, you got a promotion at work, one that you’ve been working really hard for?  Wow, that’s great – doesn’t that mean that you now have to work weekends and miss out on time with your family? wamp wamp.

Thwarters are a little tricky to cut loose.  It’s worth it to try to talk to them about the behavior, especially if it’s new behavior.  Sometimes they don’t actually realize that they do it, or they may be going through a rough time and this is some sort of subconscious defense mechanism.  Sometimes talking to a Thwarter will help your relationship.  Other times, they will be offended and seek out other friends to thwart.

Finally, you have the Obligator.  These friends somehow make you feel as though getting together with you is a huge obligation (side note: do you perhaps do this to your Drainers?) They are generally quick with excuses as to why they can’t get together, or they simply don’t respond and then when you do hear from them, you hear how they are SO busy they just forgot.  Here’s the thing – you are not an obligation.  Your friends should WANT to spend time with you.  Of course life happens and things come up – but can you honestly say, Obligator, that you never have time to get together?  I doubt it.  The Obligator is the easiest type of faux-friend to eliminate: stop reaching out to them to make plans.  If the Obligator is actually a true friend, they will reach out to you.  Most likely, though, the true Obligator will just fade off into your past.

I realize that this might sound very harsh and cold.  I admit, I have a bitchy side, but the bottom line is this: friendship matters.  We’re all busy, we’ve all got our own lives going on with families, jobs, hobbies, relationship, etc. but if you can make time for your friends, then your friends can make time for you.  And if they can’t, they aren’t really your friends after all.  Life is too short to surround yourself with anyone who doesn’t bring just as much to your relationships as you do.

Another important step on your journey to owning your you is to work on surrounding yourself with the right people.  The people who love, encourage, inspire, challenge, and support you JUST AS MUCH as you love, encourage, inspire, challenge, and support them.  Surround yourselves with these people.  The will make your journey more enjoyable, and they will make it easier to Own Your You.

 

 

 

My First Post! (What am I getting myself into?)

What is Own Your You about?

Own Your You is a place where people can go for guidance in finding their true selves.

We spend our whole lives thinking about what we should do.  What we shouldn’t do.  What is expected.  And very little time really focusing on what we actually want/don’t want/feel/like…and then even when we do know we want/don’t want something, we’re afraid to go for it because maybe it’s not what’s expected.  So Own Your You is about being yourself and owning it.  Fearlessly.  Peacefully.  Honestly.  It’s a place to ask questions, exchange ideas, to start to be comfortable “owning” who you really are, and to make sure you are on the path you want to be on.